Harry Potter Spoof I: The Phantom Pain
by S.L. Stevens
Summary: This is a spoof that sort of mixes other movies together (STAR WARS being one). Itis pretty funny, r/r
1. In a country not too far away...

Harry Potter Spoof I: The Phantom Pain  
  
Not too long ago in a country pretty far from America, but not too far, just a day's plane ride from NY, although aviation is beginning to speed up…  
  
HARRY POTTER  
  
Harry Potter was a different boy… different boy is Harry Potter, yes.  
  
But… that is starting out much like a spoof of "Harry Potter" the book, rather than Harry Potter the movie. When you read this spoof, please do WATCH it in your mind, vision it. Use the actors (and to be politically correct) and actresses that were in the movie. This is "Harry Potter Spoof 1: The Phantom Pain".  
  
Harry is on his way to his Aunt and Uncle's house when this movie/spoof/book/whatever begins…  
  
FADE IN: Owl perched on a sign that says "PRIVIT DRIVE" but pranksters spray painted ASS over drive so it now says "PRIVIT ASS".  
  
We see the scene of the park, Suddenly, Dumbledore appears. He begins to walk forward. He stops and takes a Fred Flintstone Pez dispenser out of his pocket and flips the head. One by one, the light goes out in the street lamps and into the dispenser.  
  
A cat meows off camera, he looks.  
  
Dumbledore – "Well shit, I hope I'm not putting you out by being here, Professor McGonagall."  
  
The shadow of a cat slowly crawls to a human and McGonagall walks forward.  
  
McGonagall – "Well! What's up your ass tonight?"  
  
Dumbledore – "Cut the shit, and let's get started."  
  
McGonagall (walking with Dumbledore down the street) – "So, is the gossip true, Albus?"  
  
Dumbledore – "I'm afraid so, the good… and the bad."  
  
McGonagall – "Well! I always knew you were gay-"  
  
Dumbledore – "Not those rumor's you old hag! The ones about Lilly and Anni, I mean James, Potter. They were killed by the Emperer… no! damn it, I mean the Lord Voldemort. Sirius Black found the baby in the pile of bricks, then he seemed to chase a rat down the street, so Haghead took the baby and should be on his way."  
  
McGonagall – "Do you really trust Haghead with someone as important… and fragile… as a baby?"  
  
Dumbledore – "AH! I would trust Haghead with my wife."  
  
Suddenly, a roar begins and you see a bright round light in the sky. It is Haghead on his way on the flying motorcycle. The cool theme music begins, (played by John Williams, who else?) and he lands safely.  
  
Haghead – "Professors."  
  
Dumbledore – "Ah… Haghead… where is the boy?"  
  
Haghead looks in the bundle of cloths, then his eyes widen and tear fill his eyes.  
  
Haghead – "(SOB) OH Dumblydore! (SOB) I must have dropped him over Bristol."  
  
But Dumbledore was reaching into the basket in the front of the motorcycle.  
  
Dumbledore – "No, Haghead, here he is, asleep and fine."  
  
Haghead – "OH THANK MERLIN!"  
  
McGonagall catches up to Dumbledore – "Albus, why must you leave him with these stuck up no good muggles?"  
  
Dumbledore – "Because they are the only family he has left. Besides, I did a coin toss between dumping him here or with the orphanage, and thankfully it landed on knuts, because we wouldn't want him growing like his father did now would we?"  
  
He laid the basket on the ground in front of the doorway.  
  
Haghead bellowed "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOK"  
  
Dumbledore – "OH shut your trap! It isn't goodbye forever, afterall. Just wait ten years and he'll be hanging out in your hut. I would stop masturbating in your hut if I were you by them.  
  
Haghead – "HEY! Tha' jus' nasty rumors. No true!"  
  
Dumbledore leaning down to the baby, putting a letter on him.  
  
The baby had a scar on his forehead, in the shape of a circle with a smaller circle to the side.  
  
Flash to the logo and the loud theme music:  
  
Harry Potter Spoof I: The Phantom Pain.  
  
This is a test run, that is why it is short. Give me a few reviews and I'll post the next chapter! 


	2. Visit to the Zoo, and the letters from N...

Cut to:  
  
Scene with Harry Potter lying in his bed. It is not a cupboard, but it isn't a cupboard at all, it is one of those Chest Freezers (you know, those freezers that are long and short, sort of like a coffin) that is unplugged and he had a little blanket and pillow in there.  
  
Aunt Flower – "UP!"  
  
Knock Knock Kcock.  
  
Aunt Flower – "UP!"  
  
Harry put on his glasses and opened the lid of his freezerbed.  
  
As he was getting out, his Cousin Doodle slammed him back down and in.  
  
The fat cousin Doodle ran into the kitchen.  
  
Aunt Flower from behind closed doors – "OOOOH! There's my little birthday boy!"  
  
Uncle Vern – "Happy Birthday boy!"  
  
Aunt Flower to Harry – "Just make the god damn eggs and be on with yourself, you mother fu-"  
  
Harry – "Yes! Yes Aunt Flower."  
  
Doodle looked at his presents…  
  
Doodle – "Two Hundred? Last Year I had Two Hundred and one! You cheap bastards!" He threw one of the presents at his Uncle, hitting him in his fat head. The contents of the box smashed glass.  
  
Harry rolled his eyes.  
  
Uncle Vern – "Guess what Doodle?" rub rub rub the forehead, "We're going to the ZOO!"  
  
Doodle – "Oh god damn it! The Zoo? Damn it! DAMN IT!"  
  
He three another present at his father.  
  
Next shot is the one with Droolsley's walking to the car. Vern takes Harry to the side and says:  
  
Uncle Vern – "Now you hear here boy, anything funny at the zoo, and I'll BANG RIGHT TO THE MOON!"  
  
Harry – "Yes Uncle Vern."  
  
They walked into the Zoo's entrance where they keep most of the inside animals, like the snakes, birds and Ewoks.  
  
They were at the snake tank.  
  
Doodle – "DAD! Make the god damn snake move!"  
  
Uncle Vern tapped on the glass. Then he and Aunt Flower walked away while Harry and Doodle stood and looked at the snake.  
  
Doodle – "STUPID SNAKE!"  
  
And he walked to his parents.  
  
Harry to the snake – "Stupid Doodle, he is so fat huh?"  
  
The snake shook his head yes!  
  
Harry – "I bet it must be hard to have people stare at you all day huh?"  
  
The snake rolled it's eyes.  
  
Doodle – "DAD! LOOK WHAT POTTER'S DOING!"  
  
Doodle knocked Harry to the ground. Next thing Harry saw was the glass vanish and Doodle falling in screaming.  
  
The snake uncoiled and began sliding past Doodle and out the glass. The Theme music begins.  
  
Snake – "Thanxxxxxxxxx, and thank goodnessss that fat fool didn't fall on me! I've taken bigger Sssshits than that boy though!"  
  
Harry stood with his eyes bugged.  
  
Next scene, the Droolsley's are coming back home.  
  
Uncle Vern pulls Harry's hair and drags him back into his fridge.  
  
Next Day.  
  
The mail has now come and Harry brings in the mail. He sees a letter to Uncle Vern which is his "Playboy Renewal" which Harry knew Doodle would always steal anyway. Then, his eyes bugged… it was a renewal to "Playgirl Magazine!" for Aunt Flower. It is obvious that neither of them know that they are buying these magazines. One time Doodle caught Vern with one and the only thing that Vern could do to stop Doodle from telling Aunt Flower is to give him his old issues… surely Aunt Flower doesn't give Doodle her Playgirl… does she?  
  
That was what was on Harry's mind as he saw a letter addressed to him:  
  
Mr. H. Potter  
  
Fridge in the den,  
  
London.  
  
He handed Uncle Vern all the mail except for his own (Uncle Vern quickly yelp and hid his subscription, and Aunt Flower got to hers before Uncle Vern did.)  
  
Doodle – "DAD! POTTER'S GOT A LETTER! AND IT ISN'T FROM UNCLE OBI WAN! The only worthless (rips the letter out of Harry's hand) piece of crap for a human other than Harry to live is Obi Wan, who writes to Harry."  
  
Harry – "HEY! That's mine! And Obi Wan is just a little misunderstood that's all."  
  
Uncle Vern – "Oh come now, who the hell would be writing to… you..?"  
  
His face sunk, he knew what it was. He quickly ripped it up.  
  
Harry – "HEY!"  
  
Uncle Vern – "It's just a bill collector."  
  
Next Day.  
  
Aunt Flower went to kiss Uncle Vern goodbye to work when an owl dropped three letters by her feet (which she quickly threw out.)  
  
Inside while making breakfast for Doodle, Aunt Flower cracked open an egg…  
  
Aunt Flower – "What the F-"  
  
A letter rolled up in the egg popped out.  
  
She cracked another egg into the bowl…  
  
Aunt Flower – "AHH!"  
  
Another letter popped out… then another as she crack another, then yet another as she cracked yet another!  
  
Next day:  
  
Uncle Vern sitting down – "Fine day, Sunday… and do you know why Doodle?"  
  
Doodle – "Because we get to have fried chicken?"  
  
Harry – "No post on Sunday."  
  
Uncle Vern – "Right you are Harry! Not one stinking piece of crap mother f- "  
  
A letter came flying in from the fireplace and smashed Uncle Vern in the face. The entire house now began to rumble.  
  
Coming soon will be chapter three ( 


End file.
